The J.R.S. #7 - Returning Clothes, Cats, & Doing Crosswords in Ink
Happy Birthday Woodrow Wilson! He definitely isn't going to read this, but I just got back from D.C. and am feeling patriotic. Welcome to the best one-man newsletter of 2017 that reviews life so you don't have to.
2018 is on the way, and with it comes hope, excitement, and more opportunities for words to be written for your inbox consumption. But we're not there yet, so feel free do a Salt Bae impression one last time, and enjoy this mint 2017 edition of Joey Reviews Stuff.
Returning Clothes
"Turns out chartreuse isn't my color"
Christmas has come and gone, and hopefully all the fashionable gifts you received are perfect fits. But on the offhand that your Aunt thinks’s you’re a large when you’re really a medium, let me tell you how to proceed.
Returning clothes is an unknown concept to me. In my lifetime, I've received multiple shirts and outfits that don't fit me at all, but I've been too lazy or intimidated to return the items.
Either it's the journey back to the store, or the act of going that always stops me. In fact, right now I have two pairs of jeans that don't fit and didn't fit the day I got them in 2016, and I've never returned them.
Three Cyber Mondays ago I bought a pair of Clarks boots, and they fit so poorly that they left my feet bleeding from blisters, but did I return them? Of course not. I did my own impression of Curt Schilling in the 2004 Red Sox - Yankees game and walked around with a bloody sock.
Which returns me to the subject of...returning. Turns out it's incredibly easy! Just go to the store, swap a few items, and give back the rest, and then use the money to buy things that you actually need.
So if you're like me and intimidated by the return process - don't be! At the ripe old age of 31, I finally conquered my fear of the return line, proudly marched into Uniqlo and declared that I had no use for baggy shirts of their kind.
Maybe ease back on the statements in public stores, but when it comes to returning, I highly recommend. You may even end up with a cool jean jacket like I did.
Returning Clothes - 4 out of 5 Stars
Cats
“All the rage in Egypt”
They say there are three types of people in the world – those who can count and those who can’t. Bad bumper sticker jokes aside, I think it’s time we slapped a rating on a domestic pet that was a prominent feature over the holidays.
I am a dog person. I've been raised with dogs since the day I finally came into this world. I say finally because I put my mother through a frustrating three-month stay in the hospital - I was just so excited to meet Y'all.
Our family has been partial to a unique breed of dogs - Rhodesian Ridgebacks, and they're what I judge all other animals against.
Rhodesian Ridgebacks are originally a Dutch hybrid that was introduced in the now-nonexistent country of Rhodesia to achieve two main goals - protect the family and hunt lions – occasionally these activities were combined. Fiercely loyal, majestic, and most of all, large, Rhodesian Ridgebacks are definitely an acquired taste.
But when the only taste you know is excellence, your palate becomes a bit snooty. Tragically, Ridgebacks have short lifespans (health problems, not lions), so I've had six Ridgebacks in my life, five of which have passed away. They're stubborn dogs and don't possess typical likable qualities.
They don't fetch, they don't like to swim, and they are the opposite of snuggly. Also, their farts could poison the Serengeti - but they're intelligent and perfect for my family.
Labs and Goldens bore me, and I don't want any dog that I can accidentally kill by stepping on it - anything less than 25 pounds is out. I want a companion in the wilderness, not one that can get eaten in the wild.
Like tired rain metaphors, on the other end of the spectrum are cats - no, not the musical – I’m speaking of the felines that dominate the Internet, as well as households around the globe.
Unsurprisingly, my family has never had a cat, and I was raised with disdain for these inferior animals. My grandmother had a few, always named after characters from King Arthur, but it was rare for me to develop a bond with one.
Much like people, cats need to be judged on an individual basis, as opposed to dogs. I automatically love a dog, and it has to work for me to dislike it, while with cats it's just the opposite. Cat lovers will say that's why cats are worth it, but if I'm going to feed and house an animal that is an asshole 97% of the day, I'd like for it to be worth it.
My feelings on cats began to waver when I met Vlad.
Vlad was a cat that lived on a ranch in Montana with me, and Vlad, simply put, was a fucking badass. He was an outdoor car (the only type of cat I would consider owning), who would walk with me the half mile from my cabin to work every day.
Not only that, he would proudly display disemboweled mice for everyone to see on the floor to the kitchen. Just the type of thing to get your appetite going.
In my previous relationship, we started out as non-cat people, and then my ex decided to capture a feral kitten after seeing one of the litter die in front of our car from malnourishment.
The feral cat needed a friend, so three months in we went from zero to two cats. With no discussion. Never could understand why we weren't destined to be together.
I'm actually a "Cuncle", aka an uncle to a cat belonging to a couple that lives in Echo Park. I found a kitten hiding behind their fence during a day helping with house improvements, and now that cat runs their household with an iron claw.
My girlfriend now is decidedly a cat person. Her favorite Internet celebrity is a "special" cat named Lil Bub, and her family has framed photos of cats gone by.
We spent six days home with her family for Christmas (one day too many for any family visit), and I spent extensive time with one of their two cats - a calico named Darcy.
Darcy is straight up fat, almost worthy of the thesaurus word corpulent. But Darcy has personality, so I'm okay with it. She yowls and walks all over everything and the parents accept it. I draw the line with animals trotting over food prep areas, but I'm the boyfriend, so I keep my mouth shut.
The other cat is one of mystery and legend. William is his name, but on my first visit back to her home last July 4th, I started an ill-received campaign to rename the cat John, since he was never seen. William/John is even more obese than Darcy, and has PTSD from previous cats, and doesn’t like to interact with humans.
Basically, the main thing cats are required to do to justify their existence.
While weird, I understand why people own cats. But at the end of the day, I'll probably stick with Lion Hunters over Mice Hunters.
Cats - 2 out of 5 Stars.
Doing Crosswords in Ink
"Dear God Please Don't Make a Mistake"
My relationship with crossword puzzles has been long and passionate, full of peaks and valleys that one experiences with any drawn-out love story.
Like The Notebook, but with less house painting.
For nearly a decade, I’ve used words to make money professionally, but crossword puzzles were part of my life when I existed in single digits. My parents would calmly read the Los Angeles Times every morning, and take turns filling out the crossword.
You would think that as someone who likes words, I would be talented in word games and teasers. Well, I'm not. I refuse to play Bananagrams because I get so stressed and frustrated that I'm not better at it. I think I lit my Scrabble board on fire in college. I don't need a board game to make me feel inadequate, dammit.
Crosswords have avoided my wrath, but like an old flame from college, they make strong appearances in my personal timeline, waxing and waning in popularity like the cycles of the moon.
When it comes to educational word games, crosswords dunk on word searches, and we can all agree on that. However, when you start doing crosswords with regularity, you consistently run into the same bizarre clues or phrases that have stayed alive in the English lexicon only because of their frequency in crosswords.
Kill Bill Actress Thurman. It's Uma. It's always Uma, but lots of times crossword writers just need a spot to jam in a u, an m, and an a.
A few years ago I got a crossword app on my phone and would do a few a day - but I have to admit, I was crosswording with kid gloves on. I had the phone notify me when I put in the wrong letter. It didn't have the same stakes of a real paper crossword.
When our relationship began, my girlfriend's next-door neighbor would give her the NYT Sunday crossword every weekend. Seeing an easy opportunity to demonstrate value, I signed us up for a Sunday subscription.
This brought two major changes into my life - the first being that I started doing the NYT crossword in pen, and I started reading the New York Times and begrudgingly agreed that they are the gold standard when it comes to newspaper writing.
I always considered the Los Angeles Times as the superior paper, but the NYT just does stories better. Then again, we're seeing journalists jump from established papers and take jobs in the news division at Buzzfeed, lured by better pay and hours. So it's safe to say that print journalism is in a tough spot (It would be less so if we followed my brilliant wrapping paper plan).
Doing the crossword in pen resulted in several lengthy "discussions" between my girlfriend and me, entirely focused on how dumb I was being by putting in a clue in pen without cross-referencing it. Our relationship almost ended a few times by a miscalculated seven letter down.
The error of my ways revealed to me, I began to write questionable answers in the margins of the clue, letting my girlfriend ink them into crossword history - that way if they were wrong, I was dodging any misdeeds.
Writing in an answer with .5 Muji pen gives one a sense of accomplishment - no matter what the rest of your day holds, the record will show that you (hopefully) answered 51 across with aplomb and excellence - cracking the rest of the puzzle.
If you penned in the wrong answer though - my girlfriend would like to speak with you. It's best to start with a five-letter word for apology.
Doing a Crossword in Ink - 3 out of 5 Stars
That's a full lid on this version of The J.R.S! I hope you make the most of the last weekend of 2017. Don’t hesitate to telegram me at JRSdiaries@gmail.com and let me know your thoughts, opinions, or your New Year's Resolutions. Like most wedding DJs, I do take review requests.
Finally, if you like what you read, tell your friends - trying to get internet famous Y'all. Happy New Year!
Love you, miss you!
Joey