The J.R.S #4 - Helicopters, 1000 Piece Puzzles, & Bringing Bread to a Party

Los Angeles is in flames and Al Franken just resigned his Senate seat - how about a little JRS to lighten your mood? Aloha to all my new readers (some of you who I just added without your consent - the newsletter business is a grimy world). Pour yourself a mug of mud and enjoy this edition of me reviewing things so you don't have to.

Helicopters 

"Never Sneaky"

I was hiking to a waterfall recently, and we were in this quiet canyon when we heard the telltale 'whoop whoop whoop' of helicopter blades spinning through the air. As with most things sonic, it took us a while to actually see the floating hunk of metal, and when we did, we watched it hover over us for a while.

At first it was cool, but as the helicopter circled us again and again, we became alarmed, and actually even had a moment of fear. What if it fell out of the air? Why was it just circling us? Wait a minute - how the hell do helicopters even work?

A good friend of mine once pointed at a helicopter and said "do you ever really think about helicopters? Like we never question that tons of metal are just floating in the sky". I was on hallucinogens at the time, so this question has left an impression upon me. 

Imagine trying to explain helicopters to someone from even one hundred years ago. After discussing basic flight, which I think would be easy for them to wrap their brains around, then discussing planes, which while bizarre, share enough similarities with birds that you can easily connect the dots. 

But helicopters are true head-scratchers. They don't really look like any insects - in fact, the best way to describe a helicopter to someone would be like a floating top. Then you have to explain that it's the top that is keeping this thing floating, and the blades go really really really fast, fast enough to keep up to 10,500 pounds (A Huey helicopter) hovering in the air, no problem.

Okay okay, so they've somehow understood it. Now comes the flying. This mechanical marvel is flown mostly with...our feet. And a little stick in the middle. That's it. Oh, and everyone gets nifty headsets. 

I feel like as a society, we've given Helicopters a free pass, and I'm putting my foot down. Helicopters are cool and weird, and I don't think we question them often enough. Have you ever even seen a Helicopter get gassed up? I haven't. Maybe they just fly on the power of positive thought, like Julia Roberts as Tinkerbell asking the audience to clap for Peter. Maybe our acceptance of Helicopters is their Tinkerbell claps.

Or maybe its just physics that I don't understand. 

Helicopters - 2 out of 5 Stars

Puzzles

"Because We Don't Spend Enough Time Staring at Things Already"

Some say that life itself is a puzzle, but I don't. You know what is a puzzle? An actual puzzle, that's what. 

Puzzles have long been a part of my family history. Growing up as a kid, our family would escape to the mountains for a long weekend to spend at the old and cozy cabin that is shared between my mother and her eight siblings. 

Once we were settled in, my mother would pull out the poker table, and begin a puzzle. I would walk by and stare at the jumble of pieces in confusion, then go outside to throw rocks into the canyon.

Now that I'm an air quotes adult, I've discovered the joy of puzzles and the peace that they can bring. Early on in our relationship, I bought my girlfriend a 500-piece cat puzzle at the dollar store. Our Saturday devolved into multiple bottles of wine and a completed cat late in the evening. 

See, I realized the true joy of puzzling, which is the ability to silently drink while searching for pieces. Not enough has been written on the joys of 'Druzzling' (drunk puzzling), and I think that's a modern tragedy. 

Our favorite puzzle maker is a man by the nom de puzzle of Charley Harper. We feel comfortable tackling a 1000 piece, and his puzzles are fun and visually delightful. In second place are Ravensburger puzzles - they have satisfying puzzle cutting.

My parents gave me our first Charley Harper after returning from a trip to a national park. My girlfriend and I started it, and then a large contingent of dude-bro friends came to visit me. Said Girlfriend had to go run an errand, only to return hours later to five grown men between the ages of 25 and 30 huddled around our dining table drinking beer and enthusiastically puzzling. 

Needless to say, she doesn't have much to fear when it comes to me philandering. 

We've had puzzles that didn't work for us. For a month we struggled with a terribly designed puzzle that depicted a stream running through a forest. It was an all-out green assault, and my girlfriend and I became increasingly frustrated with it. We would come home for work and it would loom there - mocking us with its stupid unfinished center. 

It actually put a strain on our relationship. So after nearly 40 days of it lording its difficulty over us, I swept the entire puzzle into a trash bag and threw it away. I've found trashing things is the most effective way to deal with problems.

When approaching a 1000 piece puzzle, be prepared for the five stages of puzzling. They are the exact same five stages of grief. 

Denial - This will be a piece of cake! Once I get all these flipped up on the right side, I'll find the sides, then the rest of this bad boy will come together naturally. Suck it puzzle, I'll have you finished before dinner.

Anger - WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BLUE PIECES? Is Charley Harper actually the Zodiac killer? Only a true psychopath could have designed such an idiotic and difficult puzzle. Fuck you Charley. 

Bargaining - Okay maybe the piece I need fell on the floor. I bet that's it. Nope, not there, let me check the box. Not there either. Please God, if you just let me find that piece, I promise I'll be a better person - I'll go to church, I'll stop flicking off the anchors on Fox News, I'll even get better at calling my parents. Just let me find that pi-oh there it is.

Depression - Like everything else in my life, I'll never complete this. Just like my piano career.

Acceptance - Holy shit, there are more pieces in place than not. I can actually do this! It's almost like with every piece I put in, the puzzle gets easier.

And then suddenly the puzzle is over, and you can eat dinner at your table again. Sign and date the puzzle box, and sleep well knowing that you are a puzzle genius, and then set an alarm for tomorrow to call the SFPD with a lead in the Zodiac case.

Puzzles - 4 out of 5 Stars

 

Bringing Bread to a Party

"Tastier than Flowers" 

I was recently at a high-end bakery in Venice, and I spent nine dollars on a beautiful loaf of bread. It was fluffy and delicious, with just the right amount of flake. My girlfriend and I spent the next 48 hours finding reasons to cut a slice off here or there, all in an attempt to test and discover the best accompanying side or jam.

Obviously, it was butter.

This near sexual experience with dough got me thinking - when was the last time the people I'm close to ate a fresh loaf of bread? If I'm a true friend, shouldn't I be sharing this wonderful experience with those who matter most?

Thoughts like this sent me into a spiral, and the final conclusion was that I was going to start being a 'bread guy' at parties. Yup - if you invite me to a party, you're getting a hot loaf.

There are caveats to this because the type of party really will dictate the go no go for bread. If it's a dinner party or housewarming, then bread is definitely appropriate. But if it's an actual party, then things could get weird. What if the host doesn't have room for the bread? Or they're (gasp), gluten-free? 

So that's my new personal party brand - the bread guy. I'll let y'all know how this experiment goes, but I strongly believe that it will be a 5 out of 5 experience, and one that will create full hearts and full tummies around my social circle.

Future Bringing Bread to Parties - 4 out of 5 stars.

That's a full lid on this version of The J.R.S. Sorry for typing the word 'puzzle' 25 times. Feel free to drop me a line at JRSdiaries@gmail.com and let me know your thoughts, opinions, or the best bread recipe in your family. Like most wedding DJ's, I do take review requests.

Finally, if you like what you read, tell your friends - trying to get internet famous y'all. 

Love you, miss you! 
Joey